Some call love a curse, some call love a theif, but she's my home. And she's as much apart for this broken heart, but see broken bones they always seem to mend.

Angus & Julia Stone - The Devil's Tears

So It's Saturday, and I'm home....in my room... alone. As usual. Geez I'm exciting. ;-)
Buuut Becky and I are going to the zoo on Wednesday for my b-day! YAY!!! I freaking love the zoo! I guess that day probably won't be so bad after all :). Unless it rains.... it always rains on my b-day. Every year. I shit you not. But I'm going into work early on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then leaving about 11 Wednesday to go to Waco and go to the zoooooo! wooo!!! I can't wait! I'm gonna get some awesome damn pictures! God I can't wait! And theeennn we're coming back here cuz my moms makin TACOS! I love tacos! :) and cake and ice cream and whatever lol. But Tacos! and Zoo! How could that not be an awesome day!?

On another note, I'm bored. And lonely as HELL. I exorcised today! Like a lot...until it made me feel sick... I actually threw up haha. I'm sure that's not good but I'll get used to it probably. I've gotta get this weight off. I'm so sick of it. Lol... and yet I intend to eat tacos on Wednesday.. haha. They're so good though. I'm hoping exorcising like a bandit will counter act my occasional slip on eating really bad things lol. It was cool though... when it started to hurt, I just went harder! That's what ur supposed to do right? I have no idea. lol.

So I think I've decided I wanna be a freelance photographer. I'm not really sure what to do to do that though so I need to research. I went out Thursday and took a bunch of pictures, and I'll do it again at the zoo on Wednesday. But mom was looking over them and said a few of them would make good puzzles...lol weird. But since I made that decision, I keep seeing a ton of things I wanna take pictures of. Like "oh the light is hitting that PERFECTLY, wish I had my camera with me!" lol too bad I'm pretty sure that doesn't pay well.

Still no luck finding another job. I'm still looking though, there has to be SOMEONE who will at the very least give me an interview. I have damn good experience damn it! My resume is AWESOME. Anyone would be lucky to hire me. I have my crazy, but I usually keep it in check at work. And if I actually have things to do, it's all good. I start working and everything else goes away. I like working. :-) .. I don't particularly like getting up for work, but once I'm there I'm usually good. haha. I want a job that means something. That's important. You know?

Oh! Random fact.. Uncle Eli texted me today. My uncle I lived with in Alaska. I hadn't spoken to him in YEARS... it was weird.. and random. And very slightly upsetting. Not anything he said It just made me think about things. bah. It was nice to know he's still alive though.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. Next time I post I'll be 25! lol weird. Here's a few of the pictures I took Thursday, the one at the top is one too...

Brandi

You look darkly on the day, with memories to light your way. A little sad but it's alright, we are always living in twilight. No one knocks upon your door, until you don't care anymore. A little alone but it's alright, we are always living in twilight.

Living in Twilight - The Weepies

So, apparently I'm not losing my therapy next week like I thought. I'm covered until I turn 26, not 25 thankfully. I've got to be the only person in the world who dreads their birthday... I hate it almost as much as I hate Christmas. I'm not really sure why, except I know it's going to suck. My therapist says I should really stop doing that... the whole.. future prediction thing. Apparently I don't know what's going to happen at anytime...but I do. I know it's going to suck. Because everyday sucks. The difference is, it's going to suck more because I'm more aware of it on my birthday, because it isn't supposed to suck. Does that even make sense? eh..whatever. Why does it have to fall on a Wednesday? Don't get me wrong, there's really no difference in it falling then than on a weekend, except I can't spend the day hiding in my room bawling because I have to work. Stupid day. I can't wait til it's over. I'm hoping I'll feel better when it's done. *sighs*.

So Jon texted me this morning. He told me I'm like a stranger, and he feels like he's never even met me. I get it. I feel the same way...about me and everyone else. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure I ever really did. I just feel so bad all the time I don't really know what to do with it. And subsequently, I feel like I don't know anyone else either. Everything feels wrong. I feel so crazy disconnected from everything/everyone... Almost like nothing is real. Like I'm not real...

I've also kind of turned into a man hater. lol. I don't know what it is... they just ALL irritate the hell out of me without even trying. Every word just grates on me because it's so STUPID...even when it isn't. The only thing I seem to be able to think when someone of the opposite sex tries to talk to me is "uuuugh SHUT UP GOD!" I know that's bad. Especially since no one's really done anything or whatever... I'm just angry I guess. But I'm not really sure why.

I'm still hoping I'll die before next Wednesday. I know that's asking a lot. And I'm not that lucky... but I can hope right? I think I'm through wishing I'll feel okay. Jon was right when he said he couldn't see me ever being happy. It just isn't in the cards for me. And that's okay I suppose. As long as this doesn't last much longer. Because I don't know how much more I can take. Nothing bad is happening... my brain just won't shut up. I feel awful. If it's possible to feel claustrophobic without being in a small space... that's how I feel. And it hurts, a lot.

Brandi

Jinx me something crazy, thinking if it's three then I'm as smooth as the skin rolls across the small of your back. It's too bad it's not my style, if you need me i'm out and on the parkway. Patient and waiting for headlights dressed in a fasion thats feeding to the inconsistancies of my moods. It's times like these when silence means everything, and no one is to know about this.

Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man on Third

They're first album was so good... kinda went downhill from there. Don't get me wrong, I like some of their newer stuff... but the first was definitely the best by far.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel so empty...hopeless....pointless. I know I just need to go to bed, but I'm so tired of sleeping. I'm so tired of everything. I can't win. No matter what I do, I just can't fix this. I'm not in control of anything it seems. Self sabotage.. I'm pretty good at that. Hell, I'm an expert. But I feel like I'm being pushed towards the edge of a cliff, and I can't make it stop. Life keeps happening, and I can't even slow it down, I don't know what to do. I'm gonna be 25 in 18 days, and I can't stop it. Why would I want to right? It's only 25.... because I'm nowhere. Nothing. I thought I'd have things figured out by the time I turned 25... that things would finally be okay because how long could things possibly stay so bad.. but I was wrong. There's no way I can fix everything that's still broken in 18 days. And I'm losing my health insurance in 18 days too...which means no more therapy for Brandi. I don't know what I'm going to do.

The only thing I've accomplished, in the last 25 years.... I got married, and separated. That's it. I'm having a hell of a time finding another job. I still live with my parents. And I'm a part time secretary, that cries herself to sleep most nights, and is excellent at self sabotage. What am I supposed to do with that??? What am I supposed to do period?! I'm about to be shoved off the cliff and I can't find a single life line. Why do I do this to myself? How did I even get here?? I tried so hard, I kept moving, searching, for anything. And when that didn't work, I stayed put, and tried to get some experience and stability. And what did that accomplish??? NOTHING. I have bills I can barely afford, and I still live with my parents. I'm pathetic. My life is pathetic. It's Friday night and you know what I've done since I got home from work? Not a damn thing. I watched TV with my parents. Tried to learn a little Spanish. And now I'm whining on the Internet about how sad and pathetic my life is. And now I hate myself even more.

The really messed up part?? I don't even know how to give up. I don't know how to just let things happen and not try to manipulate the outcome. I bet it'd make things easier though. Just go with it. Those words sound so foreign.

This has to stop... how can I still feel so trapped? Things feel so incredibly out of control... I really need to go to sleep. Reset..... Good night.

Brandi