Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know. Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know? I'd like to know. Author of the moment, can you tell me? Do I end up, do I end up happy?

Happily Ever After - He is We

I don't know how to start this. I want to start on positive but i'm upset. I've been trying really hard not to be so negative lately... it's hard. I've noticed recently how negative the people around me are. So very negative. Granted, most of them have good reason to be. Still, it's exhausting. It makes me feel bad for all the negativity I've put forth too. And even worse that I'm about to spew some more. I'll start with positive though. I'm really happy with Jason. And I've noticed, he actually puts forth some effort into making me happy, whether he realizes it or not. It's appreciated. It's more effort than anyone else has ever given me. He doesn't need to, I like him anyway. But I like it.

That's pretty much the only positive I have at the moment. Oh, no it isn't. I've decided, yet again, to go to school. Only this time, I actually turned everything in lol. I'm waiting on a form to come so I can get the bacterial meningitis vaccine waived, I'll turn it in and then register for classes. Although I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't decide between just doing basics, or getting an Administrative degree. I mine as well do the latter. I like office work, but my God It's boring. I was hoping for something where I'd actually get to do something but meh. I can't think of anything that sounds fun and doesn't require like 15 years of school.

Okay, to the negative. I'm tired. And annoyed with myself. I'm a little spoiled, and selfish. And that bothers me. But I can't seem to keep from being upset anyway. I'm pretty happy lately. I can mostly get through the week without getting upset. I'm a little stressed out, but it isn't anything I can't handle. But the reason for that is because I've come to count on my Saturday night. Saturday night, I don't have to sleep alone. I hate sleeping alone. I get to cuddle and it makes everything okay for the week. I look forward to it all week, even though I never know for sure if it'll happen and I usually end up getting upset before I find out, especially if it starts getting late... but it isn't tonight. And I kind of feel like I'm totally going to lose my shit. Because I'm spoiled, and selfish. I need it because it keeps me from losing my shit during the week when I'm alone, and he barely talks to me. And when he does he's kind of cold.. but the one night I get with him a week is enough. It makes up for all of it. It makes up for the stupid ass shit I have to deal with every other day, because I know if I can just make it to Saturday, It'll be okay. But it's not. This week it's not okay. I'm alone. And I really don't want to be. I don't like it. I need to cuddle. You don't understand... I need it.. NEED it. And the part that's getting me the most? He has all this next week off.. but do I think I'll get to see him? No. I'm actually pretty fucking sure I won't. Plus I'm about to start my period which is making everything like 1093812038120938120938 times worse. Because that means no sex for TWO weeks instead of one (because this one is gone)... (and it sucks that probably bothers me more than it does him)... plus.. I just get really on edge before it starts... I'm pissy.. and on edge.. and everything just really gets on my nerves. And I'm tired. He has a life. I get it. I really do. And I feel bad for being upset... but UGH!!! :( ... One day. One freaking day. I got to see him yesterday, and it was fun.. but CUDDLES!!! I NEED THEM! And so, of course, because it's me... everything has to snowball. I get upset because I lost my Saturday night. And then things get added that don't generally bother me TOO much and just take CHUNKS out of me emotionally. I don't even think he really cares. I mean.. about 90% of the time I think he cares about me at least a little.. but I'm pretty sure it's just a little. Enough to want to make me happy. But the other 10% I'm pretty sure it's totally one sided. And I know I care a lot more than he does. Which sucks, mind you. Because I'm you know.. In love with him.. and then I have to do that lame lovey gooey crap that sickens everyone, probably including him, and I can't fucking stop myself.. and then I get irritated when he doesn't say anything nice back.. On a positive note though, at least he doesn't tell me to stop being gay. You know, I don't even know where that shit came from. My family is not affectionate. They aren't ooey gooey and sappy. They barely hug. So how the hell did I end up like this? I need hugs. and affection. I'm NEEDY...Why?? How did that even happen?! I mean.. I don't like strangers touching me.... like at all... or even people I barely know... but relationship wise.. and family wise... I want fucking hugs. And relationship wise, I need the ooey gooey lame bullshit. Not all the time, but once in a while would be nice so I don't feel so fucking stupid when I'm feeling that way and do it. My family is big on "I love you" but that's only because (at least I think) we're afraid if when someone leaves, and we didn't tell them we love them, and something happens to them (because this family is cursed and bad shit happens all the time) we'll regret not telling them. At least that's me. I'm pretty sure it's them too. We want them to know we love them without actually having to show it. Because this family doesn't know how to show love. Maybe that's why I over compensate? Making up for complete lack of affection from the rest of the family? I don't know. I'm just really annoyed and sad. How am I gonna get through the week? How the shit am I gonna get through the night? Every time I think about going to bed I just wanna cry because it's Saturday and I'm alone. I don't like it. At all. Also, I'm really sick of being poor. I don't wanna be poor. I don't even really care if I'm rich? I just want to be comfortable. Life is hard.

Brandi

The scent you wear moves in lines from your apartment into mine. You act like you don't know me, my God you tempt my anxious mind.

Milo Green - 1957

So today is June 3rd. Yesterday was the end of our "trial relationship" lol. He didn't break up with me. But towards the end of the month, I didn't think he would. And this last weekend, I knew for sure he wasn't going to simply because of how he treated me. It was great. One of the best weekends of my life. And you know what I realized? I'm happy. Legitimately happy. I've never been able to say that. Ever. But I think I finally understand what happy is, where as, I didn't before.

Happiness is not everything being perfect and not having to worry about anything. Being happy is just being content with where things are. Understanding that things will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pretty damn good. For me, it's waking up in the morning and being okay with the fact that I'm awake. It's going a considerable amount of time without thinking about hurting myself just because I can, whether I'm hurting emotionally or not. It's not waiting for the bottom to drop out, just because it usually does. It's realizing that nothing is ALWAYS or FOREVER or NEVER. Because those things don't exist. It's being able to be alone, and being okay.

I have had far more good days than bad ones lately, and that is saying something. I feel better. Things are not by any means perfect, but they are good. I still think everyone lied to me. Things get better? Maybe for some people... but I don't think that's it. I think it's just... deciding things maybe aren't so bad. And instead of wondering how long it will last, I'm just going to go with it, and enjoy it. Even the things that have gotten on my nerves lately.. that's all it is. Temporary irritation, and it doesn't even seen to take that long for me to get over it in most cases.

I think Jason and I are in a good place right now. I like it, anyway. It seems to be working. I still think he's scared.. but I get it. And we seem to at least be making progress, I mean.. he's with me, right? I'm good with that. It's what I wanted, and I still want it. He really is great. He's so sweet, understanding, and just generally great. And he's literally the best cuddler ever. Sleeping with him is amazing. I love when I turn away from him, and he cuddles up to me and wraps his arms around me. It gives me chills. It's so comforting and just... euphoric. Lol. I know, dramatic... but it's true. Him touching me at all is like that for me, it's just more intense that way. General touching makes me happy... but when he holds me it's like... a jolt of positive emotion? I don't know how else to describe it. It's like nothing I've ever felt. Like...waves of... feeling. Lol. I love him. In the most pure and honest way I've ever loved anyone. He makes me happy. He makes me better.. makes me want to be better. And he talks to me. REALLY talks to me, like no one else ever has. It's quite possibly the most healthy relationship I've ever had, and I love it. He has issues, but who doesn't? He isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. He's exactly what I want, and need. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have his difficult self. Lol. And even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me, he at least makes me feel like he does most of the time, and that's enough for me. He's a great guy. =)

Brandi