Lie To Me - Greg Laswell
So, it's been awhile, I apologize. I just haven't really had anything to say. I still really don't but eh. I've stuck with therapy. I'm still in group too even but that'll be ending soon I think. People at work have started questioning how much longer I'll be doing that, and since they've been so good about it I think it's about come to an end. I don't think I'm getting much from group anymore anyway.. and I know I don't help the others any. That isn't me being negative, that right there is reality. They're all so much older than me, what advice could I possibly offer?
Anyway, Steve (therapist) is still great, I have gotten mad at him a few times but nothing major, and I doubt it was even really him I was mad at.
I've kicked Jon out about 20 times since I wrote last. And yes, he did deserve it every single time. But somehow he manipulates me into letting him come back. The last few times I've tried to kick him out, he just wouldn't go. I am about at the end though. There is only so much one person can take and I have gone way past my limit with him, but here's to weakness.
Other than that, I think I'm doing better. I've really only been freaking out when there is a reason to, (that does not count being sensitive) and granted I do still blow it way out of proportion, that's better than for nothing. I still feel pretty crappy most of the time, but I'm getting better at keeping it to myself, or burying it even from me.
I've been off the meds for a while. I did get a new one but it was just as bad if not worse than the first, so I stopped them. It made things way worse for about two weeks but then it seemed to level out a bit.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things bothering me at the moment, but they aren't psychosomatic. It's all real life stuff. I'm frustrated beyond all reason, but there isn't really anything I can do about it that I'm not already doing. I NEED to get moved out of my parents house... But I can't. I need a new car, but that has to wait. I need more money, so I'm looking for another job. That's easier said than done. I need Jon to pay off his ticket.. but he hasn't. I need him to start acting like a husband and a responsible adult, but he won't, and there isn't anything I can do about that either. All I can really do is try my best to fix my situation and help me. If he isn't willing to step up and help me get us out of this situation, then he will be sorely disappointed when I pull myself out and leave him in the dust.
My mother always told us we should never rely on anyone for anything especially men, because they will always disappoint. And we don't need a man to take care of us. Well, she was right. I'm coming to find that men are useless. I have never dated/married, any guy who was really useful at all. I mean... none of them helped financially, emotionally, or anything really. I've really always had to do everything myself. Even Jon and Is wedding.... I paid for the whole thing, aside from Tux's.. and my sisters bought their bridesmaid dresses. I should have taken that as a hint that all Jon would ever really be good for financially is the occasional meal or meaningless gift. I still don't even have a wedding ring and we've been married almost a year and a half. And as for emotional support, he thinks telling me "I know you're crazy.." is emotional support.
I'm sorry I shouldn't be whining about all that. It's my problem. But I can tell you one thing. I will never get married again. When Jon and Is marriage fails, that's it for me. I'll fix everything and when I'm rich I'll adopt a child. Because that's the only way I'll ever have kids I'm sure. This is assuming anyone would give me a child. But I'm hoping my inevitable stability (that will happen eventually) will help further pull me from my psychosis and everything will be okay and I can either have children of my own, or adopt. I'd be an amazing mother I bet.
Anyway, now that I've whined about absolutely nothing, I think I'll go. I have group in the morning and yeah. I'll try not to wait 3 months before I write again. Cya
Brandi
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