I can't get my feet up off the edge, I kinda like the little rush you get when you're standing close to death like when you're driving me crazy. Hold on as we crash into the earth, a bit of pain will help you suffer when you're hurt, for real, cuz you are driving me crazy. Bite your lips your words are robbery, do you grin inside? You're killing me.

 Blink 182 - After Midnight

So things aren't so bad. If you'd have asked me last week or even a few days ago if I thought I'd feel better today, I'd have laughed in your face. I just don't get over things that fast. But I think I did. I'm over it. Crazy right? I guess that means it wasn't what I thought. Then again most things aren't. Everything always seems so doom and gloom and end of the world when it happens, and it's rarely as bad as it feels. But that's just me. Everything always has to be so extreme with me, it's annoying. I'm sure it doesn't do much for anyone else either.

I can't figure out for the life of me, why/how anyone could ever like me even slightly. It always feels like they're faking it. Because they'd have to be, right? I'm really not an easy person to be around, or even be friends with due to the fact that I'm just down right psychotic sometimes. How the hell did Jon stay married to me? Ugh don't answer that, I don't care. I don't know how I did it.. lol. And that's part of the problem.

I can't say being married to him was all bad though. He did help me a little. On some level the complete lack of affection, or niceness was good for me. It allowed me to learn distance. But it also turned me cold. I've never been this cold. I always cared how other people felt, or if it was my fault someone was in pain. Somewhere between getting married and now, I lost that. Not completely though apparently. The last few days, I care. And that's saying something. Maybe I'm finally getting back to someone that's actually me, and not who I thought Jon wanted me to be. Which I was never really all that good at anyway. None of that made sense did it? Oh well.

So, Blink 182 has a new CD. It came out the end of last year, and honestly I hated it the first time I heard it. And now I can't get enough of it. I must have just listened to it the first time when I wasn't in the mood for new stuff. Who knows. I change my mind entirely too much. Makes my own head spin.

On another note, that I semi touched on a few paragraphs back, Brandi feels good. More like, Brandi has new things to focus on. Focus is good. Then again it's also insanely unhealthy the way I do it. It at the very least borders on obsessing. Who am I kidding, it is obsessing. I hate myself for admitting that, but it's the truth. It makes me feel crazy, but good at the same time. I know that it's bad, and the probability that it'll blow up in my face horribly is high. But for now, it's nice. And the fact that I've managed to function and act like a semi-normal human being is nice too. Despite the crap that goes through my head constantly and makes me worry I'm going to do or say something awful. And I will, eventually. My reserve will falter, and it'll be done before I even realize it. Then I'll be crushed. Because that's how this cycle works.

But who knows, I could be wrong. It's happened before. Maybe for once, the calm reservations I have are real. Maybe I'll be able to keep control of myself. Maybe it won't blow up in my face and something good will come of it eventually. Maybe something without the extremes. Maybe something that can help me stay... okay. Maybe this won't end badly. God I hope so.

I am freezing. Seriously, it's really fucking cold in here. I cannot feel my toes. And on that note, I quit. Until next time people.

Brandi