The scent you wear moves in lines from your apartment into mine. You act like you don't know me, my God you tempt my anxious mind.

Milo Green - 1957

So today is June 3rd. Yesterday was the end of our "trial relationship" lol. He didn't break up with me. But towards the end of the month, I didn't think he would. And this last weekend, I knew for sure he wasn't going to simply because of how he treated me. It was great. One of the best weekends of my life. And you know what I realized? I'm happy. Legitimately happy. I've never been able to say that. Ever. But I think I finally understand what happy is, where as, I didn't before.

Happiness is not everything being perfect and not having to worry about anything. Being happy is just being content with where things are. Understanding that things will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pretty damn good. For me, it's waking up in the morning and being okay with the fact that I'm awake. It's going a considerable amount of time without thinking about hurting myself just because I can, whether I'm hurting emotionally or not. It's not waiting for the bottom to drop out, just because it usually does. It's realizing that nothing is ALWAYS or FOREVER or NEVER. Because those things don't exist. It's being able to be alone, and being okay.

I have had far more good days than bad ones lately, and that is saying something. I feel better. Things are not by any means perfect, but they are good. I still think everyone lied to me. Things get better? Maybe for some people... but I don't think that's it. I think it's just... deciding things maybe aren't so bad. And instead of wondering how long it will last, I'm just going to go with it, and enjoy it. Even the things that have gotten on my nerves lately.. that's all it is. Temporary irritation, and it doesn't even seen to take that long for me to get over it in most cases.

I think Jason and I are in a good place right now. I like it, anyway. It seems to be working. I still think he's scared.. but I get it. And we seem to at least be making progress, I mean.. he's with me, right? I'm good with that. It's what I wanted, and I still want it. He really is great. He's so sweet, understanding, and just generally great. And he's literally the best cuddler ever. Sleeping with him is amazing. I love when I turn away from him, and he cuddles up to me and wraps his arms around me. It gives me chills. It's so comforting and just... euphoric. Lol. I know, dramatic... but it's true. Him touching me at all is like that for me, it's just more intense that way. General touching makes me happy... but when he holds me it's like... a jolt of positive emotion? I don't know how else to describe it. It's like nothing I've ever felt. Like...waves of... feeling. Lol. I love him. In the most pure and honest way I've ever loved anyone. He makes me happy. He makes me better.. makes me want to be better. And he talks to me. REALLY talks to me, like no one else ever has. It's quite possibly the most healthy relationship I've ever had, and I love it. He has issues, but who doesn't? He isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. He's exactly what I want, and need. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have his difficult self. Lol. And even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me, he at least makes me feel like he does most of the time, and that's enough for me. He's a great guy. =)

Brandi