Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I feel so helpless. I did most of this to myself. I think. I'm really not sure. If I hadn't gotten all curious and crazy, I wouldn't know certain upsetting things. If I hadn't rocked the boat with Jason I'd still be silently upset. If I hadn't HAD to get another cat, I wouldn't have ringworm. But I did get another cat. I did complain to Jason about things that bother me... and in turn found out he still doesn't even know if he even wants to be with me...5 months later. Awesome. My best friend is moving, which is going to leave me with no one to hang out with, asside from Jason, whose probably going to leave me. I have another one of those things under my arm and a fever.. what's next? Jason gonna decide he DOESN'T want to be with me? Honestly won't shock me at all.. i'm just waiting for it now. But after that? What else? Since everything is going to hell, I'm sure it's not over. I have a girl doctor appointment tomorrow... what's she gonna tell me? Cancer? Pregnant? Wasting money on nothing? Probably the latter. I'm seriously about to lose my shit. I don't understand. Is it because I was actually feeling better for a while? What? Does my relative happiness throw the world off balance? Correcting yourself are you, world!? Haven't I been through enough? I don't feel 26. 26 feels like it's too young. I have too much time left, and I don't want it. I'm tired. I should just do what I do best. Push everyone as far away from me as I can, and just.. be. There's nothing else I can do. And letting people close to me always ends up badly, I do this to myself, I really do. I know better. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to do now. Everything is gonna be gone, and then what? Once again I lose everything that matters to me? I deserve this. I really do.