You ain't worth another sleepless night. And I'll do everything I gotta do to get ya off my mind. Cause what you wanted I couldn't give. What you did boy, I'll never forget. And you left me standing on a corner crying. Feeling like a fool for trying. I don't even remember why I wasted all these tears on you. I wish I could erase our memories, cause you didn't give a damn about me.

Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears

I wish I was through with the tears. But I'm afraid that part is just beginning. I was numb for a while so the tears really only happened when I tried to sleep, thus rendering sleep futile. Until today. Randomly bursting into tears throughout the day when the thoughts came without me realizing it. Why? How could you? I trusted him with everything. I couldn't believe it... but I had the proof. It was the only thing I would have never been prepared for and now I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. The words don't make sense in my head...though it's really starting to sink it. It's true. It wasn't a nightmare. Well, it was.. but it was the real life kind. The ones you can't wake up from. I figured he'd probably hurt me eventually. I was prepared for that. But not like this. I wasn't prepared for this. It hurts so much. And I'm sick on top of it.. and I keep getting worse. Probably from stress. Also I don't care if I get better. I can't catch a break. One thing after another. There's barely even a week between the new hell's I have to deal with. What the HELL is going on?!?! Why??? What did I do!?!?! Why can't the world just leave me alone?! Pick on someone else!!! I can't take anymore. I can't. Haven't I been through enough!?! It's just a new series of bullshit every time I turn around and seriously... seriously what the hell? I've been praying.. for weeks. I'm not religious.. I'm not even sure I believe in God.. but I think if there is one he's got to be punishing me for something. I keep praying that things will get better. That all this crap will stop. And what do I get? MORE awful. Well I'm through. Apparently no one is listening. I really don't think I'm going to make it through this. I feel dead inside, and when I don't feel dead... I'm devastated. It hurts to breathe. I feel like my chest is being crushed by a sledge hammer, and this time, he's the one wielding it. When before he was the one I'd turn to.

Christmas is coming. I was looking forward to it.. but now I can't think about it without crying. I wish this would all just be over. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to start over. I really loved him. I wanted a future with him. And that's saying something, because after Jon I never wanted that again, but I did. And it's gone. It's all gone. I can't keep anything. I want to die. I can't take anymore.