So this is how it ends. This is where it all goes down. This is what I don't love you feels like.

David Nail - Red Light

I'm being very rational, for me. It hurts so much, but I can't let that show. I don't even know what to say. It's going to be over. For good. There isn't anything I can do about it. I'm not even sure that I want to at this point. I think I've reached the point of no return in how much he's hurt me. I am thankful for the honesty though.

We had an odd conversation earlier. He'd been being kind of cold lately, I knew something was wrong. Finally I started bawling asking if he was going to leave me. He made some comment about me freaking out if he did. Admittedly, I was a tad hysterical. We dropped it. So later I was thinking about it... why would he say that? Was he thinking about it? So I asked him. It's been a thought. He's been thinking about leaving me. I was calm, rational. Told him it was okay, not to worry about me. If I'm not what he wants, it's okay just end it. But he didn't. Said he's just thought about it. I asked why. Was a good answer. The whole thing hurt like hell. Being calm and rational, I think, hurt more than what he said. I told him to just do it. That it was okay. Is it okay?

So the question I have now... do I want this? I pushed him into this relationship. A month trial. He didn't end it after the month. It's been nearly 9 months now. He doesn't love me. That hurts. He cheated on me. That REALLY hurt. And now... imagine if the person you were with, told you they'd been thinking about leaving you. How would you feel? Even if they didn't leave you, would you still want to be in said relationship, knowing they were thinking about it? How could you? Nothing would ever be the same. You'd always be afraid it was coming. Honestly, it feels like it's over. It doesn't feel like he said he'd thought about it. It feels like he ended it. I don't know how to come back from it. He asked if I was still going over there sometime this week... I feel like he'll do it then. In person. Where I can't keep my promise that he wouldn't see me cry, because I don't know that I could hold off the tears long enough to get out of there without him seeing. But he knows that once it's over, it's over. We can't be friends. And I will pay off my car and leave. He'll never see me again, and I probably won't talk to him ever again. Not because I don't still love him, I do. Just because I can't be friends with my ex's. It's too much. Especially not right after. How can you let go of someone, if you have to see/talk to them all the time? How am I going to sit here alone for 9 months waiting to move... I feel like the world ended. Maybe he's right though. We don't have that much in common. And then there's the little thing of, me having stronger feelings for him than he does for me. I really hoped he'd love me eventually, but I think I've known all along that this would end eventually. It doesn't hurt any less. I can't stop shaking.

So... is this what I want? Can I do this? My heart, is broken. I think I'm done with love. I'm not allowed to have it, clearly. And I'm tired of it all. Relationships are hard. And they suck. The thought of having to find someone else, is literally making me feel sick. I don't want anyone else. I used to be afraid that I'd die alone... but now I don't care. I don't want this again. I don't want to go through this again. I'd rather just be alone forever. Things are easier, alone. People can't hurt you, when you're alone.

Brandi