Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love
I say this every time. But it's been a REALLY long time since I've written. I thought I didn't have anything to say, but maybe I should. A lot has changed since my last post. The job after the church was a no-go. Seriously, it was awful. And I quit. BUT not to worry, I have a new job, at another church, and I've been there for four months now-- wow it's been longer than I thought. AND I'm about to start doing a 2nd job, so yay for extra income. I feel like I'm never home... because I'm not lol.. but it's not as bad as it was at first. It really wore on me at first, but it's really nothing now. It's a pretty simple job, now that I've learned it.
Jason and I are doing good. We don't fight much, I don't ask questions I don't want the answers to generally, I'm good in my ignorance. What I don't know, or pretend not to know, can't hurt me. Especially if I don't think about it... which I generally don't. I blissfully live in my head with my probably pretend life that isn't so bad. I don't think about anything if I don't have to. And even when I do have to, I usually don't. Which is making me really forgetful, but I'm okay with it. I've been working on that though... paying attention to the things I NEED to pay attention to.
I don't know. I think I might be having a day. I feel... disconnected but still slightly upset, but I don't really have a reason for it? Don't worry, it's not like it used to be. It's just a twinge. You know how it feels when you get a cold chill? The kind you get when you aren't even cold... Your face cringes, and a rush of something comes over your whole body and your hair stands up. It's like that, but it's a rush of... despair. Is the best way I can put it. I have a moment where my resolve falters... I shudder, and kinda scream "NO" in my head to shove it all back down, and thanks to the meds, down it goes. Lol. Back into emotional purgatory where I like it. I do feel a lot better lately. Obviously, since I don't need to write here constantly. I can finally deal with my BS on my own. That's nice. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means "happy". I don't know what that feels like, to be honest. I just feel... okay. But I'm good with okay. It's better than the all consuming depression that I'm used to. Honestly I probably wouldn't even know happy if it smacked me in the face, much less what to do with it if I had it. Lol. I could be happy I guess... but if this is happy, it's seriously disappointing and I don't know what you cheerful ass people are going on about. Lol. *wink* No but seriously, I do feel okay most of the time, and I'm really good with that. In fact, I've even gotten to where when people ask how I am I don't say "I'm okay" like usual... I've been saying "I'm good!"... which is unheard of for me.
Annnnd it's Christmas next week, and I don't want to kill myself. So you know, there's a plus. lol. Actually, I feel pretty good about this year. I was actually able to do a bit of shopping and I'm happy with it. I never really get to do that, and I did this year. It feels good. Granted, it's not much... but it was more than I can usually do. Crap I got Jason last year was just downright pathetic... but I'm happy with this year :) I hope he likes it.
I can't wait until I start doing my 2nd job. It's going to bring my income up pretty nicely and seriously... I've never made that much in my life. Right now I make 10 an hour, and I'm full time. So after taxes I clear 1300 a month. Which is good. The only other time I've made that much was at Princess in Seattle. Buuuut once I start 2nd job, I'll be making more than I did in Washington, so yay me! In fact, I'll be making more than Jason hahaha. woo!
Soooo I have carpal tunnel *she says as she sits here typing a novel*. It's pretty bad too. It hurts to hold a pen. Like... I want to cry when just holding a pen. Oh and god forbid I go to bed without my brace on. Seriously, that thing is a life saver, but when I forget it... ohhhh it's bad. I've woken up crying from how bad it hurts. It's not so bad today. I've been wearing my brace pretty constantly for about three days now, so I can move it without wanting to just cut the damn thing off already. Really bad part? It's my right hand. I'm right handed. I need the stupid bitch. Lol.
My car is still awesome, though I renamed her. Her name is Yoshi. It was actually only Lexi for a few weeks. I've put over 10,000 miles on her :/ .... driving back and forth to Waco everyday adds a loooot of mileage. Maybe I'll come into a good deal of money soon and I can just move to Waco lol *crosses fingers but doesn't hold her breath*.
Did I say Jason and I are good? We are.. I think. Feels....comfortable. If that makes any sense? I don't feel like I'm gonna lose my shit when he's not around... we aren't fighting... we watch a lot of movies and play video games lol. Oh awww we went to his friends week before last for dinner.. but before that he took me to meet his grandma... and she goes "That boy sure does like you. I'm glad I finally got to meet you, I've heard good things." awwwwwwwww lol <3 lol. So we left and I bumped him and go "sooo, ya like me huh?" lol and he goes "meh, she's old doesn't know what she's saying" lol. silly boy.
Anyway, I'm gonna go. It's late and I have to get up ridiculously early (5:15 every. single. work day. o.o yikes.). So, hope you are all doing well, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, or whatever you celebrate or don't, and a Happy New Year, because the odds of me writing again soon are slim to none. =D Kisses!
Brandi
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