So obviously desperate, so desperately obvious.

Taking Back Sunday - You Know How I Do

It's been a while. It's always been a while. I should probably do this more often, but I just don't see the point anymore. No one wants to listen to me whine. I don't even want to listen to me whine. If I could shut my brain off, I would. It just never stops. I can't get it to shut up.

I'm 28 years old.. it shouldn't be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Everything shouldn't be so doom and gloom, but I really feel like I'm going to rip out all of my hair and crawl out of my skin. That was a really fun visual.

 I'm just so depressed. I'm crying all the time, even at work. Guy asked me a simple work related question yesterday, and I burst into hysterical tears. Because you know, that's normal.
I know you're tired of hearing it. I'm tired of saying it. But I really want to die. I can't think of a single reason to want to stay here. I'm not, at the moment, because of mom and Ams. I don't think mom could handle it... and Amber would be so mad. And I want to care about that, I really do. But there comes a point where... even knowing you'll destroy someone else, isn't a good enough reason not to. It isn't that I don't care, I do. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I promise, I'm trying. I'm really trying... but I don't think I have much left. Every single moment is excruciating. It hurts so much... all of it.. it all hurts so much, and I just don't have anything left. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I thought someday, everything bad that's happened would be worth it, because things would be okay. They promised things would get better. They lied. Nothing gets better. And none of this is worth it. Do good things happen? Sure. but they're so few, far between, and minuscule... the bad over shadows it so much.. I can't even really see it anymore. I remember the good things. I remember how it felt... but I feel so bad now.. that it completely drowns it out, so that even the good I remember hurts. Because it's gone. It doesn't last. Please, I just want it to stop.

I keep trying different things... hoping for even a minute of relief. But it never comes. But that's how it goes, right? Sometimes things can be okay... and then Murphy's Law kicks in and everything that can possibly go to hell, does.

There isn't any point to this anymore. I really mean it... this just isn't worth it. None of it. I'm so tired, and so depressed. It's to the point where I feel it physically. My neck and shoulders are killing me. I have a constant headache... my hands feel kinda numb and my legs feel weak. It feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest all the time, and it hurts to breathe. I know you don't understand. How could you unless you've been here? Please don't make me do this anymore. Please. I don't have anything left. I'm empty. I've been fighting for so long, I don't have any fight left in me. I can't do this. It hurts so much. :(

Brandi