Mary, Mary quite contrary we're so bored until we're buried, and just like dust we settle in this town. On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go, where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down, this merry go 'round.

Kacey Musgraves - Merry Go 'Round

I'm having a hard time today. I stayed downstairs with Amber and them until they left because I never get to see them... but it took a lot to do it. I really just wanted to be alone all day. Even when mom got home. I watched TV with her for a bit, but I wanted to be upstairs alone... should have just sat upstairs alone... because now that I am alone, I feel worse. I don't wanna talk to anyone.. so every conversation I've had today has been incredibly short. I love my friends and family very much... but sometimes I wish it was just me... totally alone. Then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about my thoughts.. or about how I feel. I'm lonely. and I realize it would be more lonely if it was like that... but maybe I wouldn't know what I was missing. I don't know. That didn't make sense.

It's so hot up here. Dwight said he was going to fix the toilet this weekend.. and I was hoping he'd put up my A/C.. but he didn't do either. Jason and Julie put up the screen door for me so I could leave the glass one open... but it fell off this morning. Window in my room doesn't open... the one in the bathroom is open but it's on the other side of the apartment and isn't doing me any good. I shit you not it's like 85 in here. I don't like it. Plus I've killed like 6 spiders in here today, and I haven't even been up here much. I wonder how many I haven't spotted yet. I need to fog up here... but I don't have anywhere for Puck to be while I do that. Also I don't want to have to wash ALL my dishes again.. I already did that once and it took forever.

I'm so fucking depressed today. I don't even know why. I just woke up feeling.. terrible. I want to cry, but I can't for some reason. I know I'd feel better, but the tears won't come. I'll probably just go to bed soon. I don't have anything else to do anyway and I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna go to work tomorrow either. I can't think of anything that'd make me feel better even.. like.. there's nothing I want. I just don't.. care? Everything just seems incredibly pointless. Totally withdrawing from everything seems like a good idea. Maybe I'll just stop talking to everyone for a while.

Brandi