I have a lot to say, and yet nothing at all. Guess I'll start with today...
So it's the 15th, meaning I had court this morning and I'm officially divorced. Officially Brandi Goddard again. Didn't bother me near as much as I expected it to. Weird.
I also quit smoking. Mostly. Not today... but Saturday. I opened a pack Saturday, and I still have most of it. I switched to this smoke juice stuff... it's flavored. I only had one real cigarette today.. and it was disgusting.. kinda made me sick to my stomach even. Plus this smoke juice stuff is going to save me a lot of money, so that's good. I think I like the Butter Rum one the most. It's pretty good.... kinda like... caramel.. but not. Lol I dunno.
So some pretty awful stuff happened. But I can't really talk about it. Saturday night. I feel like I don't really have the right to be upset about it.. because I got myself into it. But it scared the piss out of me.. and I am considerably upset... although not, at the same time. If that makes any sense. I feel like I'm handling it pretty well. As long as I don't really think about it. When I do I feel like I'm gonna breakdown but then my mind shifts to something else and I'm fine. Puck really is an amazing cat. I got home that night, showered and got into bed.. and he was right there... I laid there crying and he like... laid in front of my face and put his paw on me.. purred really loudly and he stayed there until I fell asleep. It was kind of comforting. I love him so much. He really is the best.
Through all that, what I feel the most is... disconnected. That couldn't possibly have actually happened. Maybe it was a nightmare. It probably didn't even last that long but it felt like forever. But most of all, I feel stupid. I'm so mad at myself. I'm too trusting. And I don't even know why, I mean it's not like anyone has ever done anything to gain my trust... except a few friends (girls)... but guys... why am I so quick to trust? Especially with my past... you'd think I'd have this incredible unbreakable wall of... something unbreakable. But I don't... if I have a wall at all it's made of tissue paper. And then there's the confusion. I don't understand. :( ... but it's my fault. It's all my fault because I should have just stayed home. I should just always stay home. I should stop believing anything guys say to me. I'm an idiot.
I'm going to college. Starting in January. Gonna get my financial aid stuff in sometime this week along with my admissions application to Hill. No idea what I'm going to go for though. I was going to do microbiology until I realized how much math was involved and that there was a good chance I'd have to kill/dissect animals...I can't do that. I don't touch dead things, and I can't kill anything. So now I haven't a clue. Maybe just a certificate program, but what? I was looking into ones that were TSI waived, meaning I won't have to retake the math accuplacer, OR do a developmental math class. There are only a few.. but I don't know which to go for. I have time though. She said she can still put me in classes up to a week after they start, so as long as I get my financial aid stuff set up, I'll be fine. It seems so far away. Like it won't really happen. I won't really get there. I'll never get out of this town, and I'll always be poor.
I'm so sad.. and for once, I don't even care that I'm alone. Because I don't really have anything to say. And I think my days of trust are over. From here on out, everything is suspect. Nothing is safe. That's how it should have been all along.
Brandi
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