I don't know what's wrong. Today I just feel.. disconnected. I don't wanna talk to anyone, I don't wanna see anyone, I don't want anything. Nothing feels real. This is what I imagine hell would be like for me, if there is one. My hell wouldn't be fire. It would be dark, cold, and alone. It would be wandering around no where, with no one, with nothing, forever. The things that make me sad, the things that remind me of how cold the world is would be there.. silhouettes of sadness all around me. That would be my hell. Or maybe not, maybe that's reality. That's how things look to me anyway. So maybe I'm dead, and this is hell. Except there are still people here, people I love... but I still feel completely alone. Everything feels cold, and dark.. even when the sun is out.
So my brother in law went to my sisters for a week. My parents are leaving for vacation in a few days and I'll be here alone. For four days. Completely alone.. with no one. I'm an adult I should be able to handle that. But the closer it gets, the sadder I get. I don't handle being alone very well.
I don't even know how to describe with words how I feel right now. Maybe a Harry Potter reference.. Dementors. Like all the happiness has been sucked from the world, and I'll never be happy again. But thanks to my occasional brain malfunction, I can't remember what it feels like. I can't remember ever being happy a day in my life. I can't remember what anything feels like, except how I feel right now. Which is... indescribably sad.
I don't have a real reason for it. I just woke up like this today, and as the day drags on, the worse I feel. I even double dosed my gaba. It didn't work. Jon has cancer. That isn't the reason for this though. I don't even really care that he pretty much told me I shouldn't care. I did.. but I don't now. I don't care about anything. At all. I feel... totally dead inside. My life is like being trapped in a nightmare I can't wake from... I don't even know that I want to wake up.
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