You paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday.

Taylor Swift - Dear John

So that last post was a little...dramatic. I'm okay now. I was freaking out about the wrong things.. things that don't matter. I honestly don't care that much about any of that. I am really stressed out... but it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I really need to either find a second job, or just get a full time one that pays more. I'm really suffering. I can't live like this.. I know I've said that about a thousand times but it's still the truth. I'm sick of having to borrow money from my parents just so I can make my bills... I'm sick of having to live with them. I'm 25 I need to be on my own, and I have no idea how to change that. I've been looking, applying other places but no one calls.  I'm drowning here. And even if I did get better financially, then what? Move out? Alone? I'm not even sure I could handle that. Parents are going on vacation soon, I'll be alone for about a week.. what the hell am I going to do? I can't go that long without human contact and God knows no one's going to hang out with me. And why would they? I freak out every few days or so and take it out on innocent by standers. I'm not that exciting anyway.

My divorce is bothering me too. Don't get me wrong, I know it's right, and it's a good thing.. but it doesn't make it hurt any less. All I ever really wanted from my life, was to get married and have kids. I know.. why don't I just set myself back to pre-women's lib.. but still, that's what I wanted. Well I got married.. that blew up in my face horribly, and I can't have kids. So really, what's the point now? I suck at being a wife.. and I'll never be a mother. I'll never get married again.. but still I failed. I could have.. tried harder or something I don't know. I'm scared about court... and tired of being alone.. so poor I can't walk across the street and so stressed out I feel like I can't breathe about 90% of the time. Literally... It's like someones reached into my chest and are squeezing the hell out of my lungs/heart all that. It hurts. It's all I can do not to be crying all the time, so as a result.. I've been sleeping more than usual. I'm so tired anyway, but I know it's the stress. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it... I don't know that there is a fix.

I spent so much time, years ago, running away. It was fun, I learned a lot.. but life follows you wherever you go. The same problems, or different ones. People have always told me... battered me with even, that things get better.. but they don't. At best, things change, to a different hell. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm.. drowning. Even my gaba stuff doesn't seem to be helping anymore. No one can help me, and I don't know how to help me, or if I can be helped.. it's scary. I just feel so bad, all the time. In general, and for bringing the people around me down with me. I don't mean to.. I just get overwhelmed and it happens. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm trying, I really am... but the point of it all.. is oblivious to me.

Brandi