Rod Stewart - Rhythm of My Heart <3
So there is a lot I want to say. But I shouldn't say MOST of it at least, so I think I'm going to have to refrain. At least somewhat.
I've been pretty good lately. A lot better than what's normal for me.
I filed for divorce. I can't remember if I said that already or not, but I did. We finalize October 15. Mom's going with me to court. Which is awesome, I was pretty nervous about it. I've never been in court for anything and I didn't wanna go by myself. So she offered to take off work for a few hours and go with me, because she said going to any kind of court alone sucks. <3 Thanks mommy! So anyway, filed about two weeks ago... and suddenly last week Jon wanted to "hang out". Which honestly, freaked me out kind of a lot. Why now? It's been 7 months, we've barely spoken in that time, and it's hardly been civil. But he begged and pleaded, so I went ONCE. Talked to him for a little bit, about what went wrong and things that have happened and things like that. It wasn't too bad.. it felt like closing to me. Apparently that wasn't what it was for him. He said he just wanted the time we had left with me... but there isn't any time. We may not finalize until Oct. 15.. but as far as either one of us should be concerned, it's over. He doesn't even have to go to court with me, so as far as he should be concerned, we're divorced. So anyway, he asked if we could hang out again the next day, I said no. He showed up at my work. He wouldn't take no for an answer... he said after he was done in Hillsboro, he was going to come pick me up, So I went and hid out at Thousand Trails with mom until she got off. The next day, he showed up at my work again, only a LOT earlier. Usually people being in my office for a little while is okay.. but he was there for nearly three hours, and I was actually working. I had a lot to do.. and listening to him go on about how he wanted to try again and things would be different for nearly three hours was almost more than I could handle. Partially because I don't believe things would be different, and partially because I just don't want to do it again. I hated being married, not just to him.. in general. I will never do it again. Ever. It was a mess. Finally I had to be mean and say that we were never getting back together. ever. That I was done, there was no more him and I, I wasn't going to try again, it was over. For good. He kept saying he needed me... Well I'm sorry, but I can't. He finally stopped when I stopped being nice about it. It was almost more than I could handle. But I've noticed lately, I can handle a lot more than usual. My composure the last few weeks is pretty damn awesome. I feel in control. I love it.
So to the good part. I've been spending a lot of time with a friend... that I really like. Something I said to Jon though, I think I meant it. I told him that I don't know if I could ever go into something fully again. I'm not afraid, I just don't think I have it in me to do that again. I mean, I've already said I'll never get married again and that is the truth... but I'm not 100% sure I'm even ready to date or anything. I'm not sure it would be fair. I'm a bit too guarded now. I can accept that everyone is on their own. I can't count on anyone and I'm okay with that I think. Relationships require being able to count on the other person... and I don't think I have it in me to even try to count on anyone. Which is probably why the semi distance I have going with said friend, is easier than it ordinarily would be for me. He doesn't want a relationship, and I'm okay with that. On the other hand... it's all I think about. But it occurred to me earlier, I've not had a normal relationship since high school. I mean think about it, every relationship I've been in in the last 7 years, has been jump right in with complete seriousness and live together. Malachi, was the first after high school. I met him in a fucking airport. I was moving to Alaska, had a layover in Seattle, and he was going to Washington. We were making out on the plane before it even took off. haha. Then the next few months were phone calls constantly, me moving back to Whitney, him coming to visit for a week, and then me moving to Washington...twice. That isn't healthy. The next serious one, was Johnathan. We talked ONLINE... I mean we knew each other as kids.. but we hadn't seen each other in years.. we talked online for a few months, and then I moved to Wyoming to live with him. That one actually probably almost worked but it didn't so whatever I guess. Then we moved back down here and he lived with me until we broke up. Then Jon. We didn't live together at first... but we were together all the time, then he was spending the night every night, until he finally just moved his stuff in and we got married. All of those relationships lasted two years. But not a single one of them was at all healthy. What happened to dating? I've never just dated anyone. Except in high school I guess but there was really only one. So I guess what I want, and what I'm ready for... Is a calm relationship. A normal one. I want things to be how they are now (with friend that I like) but maybe go out every once in a while... throw in some physical contact... Like hand holding, cuddling, hugging, making out, and eventually sex.. but not live together, or even see each other every day. Although the not seeing each other every day part might be a tad difficult for me.
I know this post has been pretty contradictory. I guess I'm not really sure what I want.
Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. I'm in a good mood, but not to extremes. OH!!! AND HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!! WOOO!!! haha. I hope you all are doing good too :). Good night.
Brandi
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